First listen to the Miley Cyrus CD!!
No seriously dudes...
Miley Cyrus
Breakout
2 stars
by Jonno Seidler
We’ve already seen the disastrous consequences of what happens when a young Disney star takes the giant leap into the recording industry, thanks to the very public meltdown of former Mickey Mouseketeer Britney Spears. At a tender 16 years of age, Miley is at exactly the same spot Ms Spears was when she released Baby One More Time. But unlike her predecessor, Cyrus has already joined the fast-growing Purity movement; a creepy Christian cult where girls pledge to maintain their virginity until marriage…to their fathers. This would work if we hadn’t all seen a very naked Miley gracing the cover of Vanity Fair a few months ago, which stoked the fires not only in men, but women too, as one lesbian-feminist media tutor remarked “She’s taken a vow of abstinence? But damn, she’s hot!”
Yes, Miley Cyrus is kind of good looking. No, she is definitely not a good singer. When you have a debut record that’s bankrolled by one of the richest companies in the world, it’s always interesting to see what kind of tricks they pull out of the hat. In this case, Miley has a backing band who probably fuck virgins like her on their days off, like drummer Josh Freese who works with Nine Inch Nails, A Perfect Circle and The Offspring and plays like an animal behind Cyrus’ weak singing. The trakcs themselves are pretty much godawful, even my eleven year old sister can’t stand them. This especially pertains to a huge metal take on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, which is actually kind of entertaining until you realise which song is being massacred. Cyrus’ whining American twang is beyond irritating, it can only be compared with La La era Ashlee Simpson, who realised she couldn’t sing or keep her legs closed and got pregnant to a real musician.
The only real winners here are the shit-hot session band, who make loads of money playing the easiest recording gig of their lives.
